February 3, 2006
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Sarah’s Saturday Keyboard Confession: Urly Edition
So the truth behind the smoking thing. I realized this myself as I was
driving down Evelyn towards Sunnyvale/Saratoga on my way to work.Oh yeah, by the way, that black guy followed me a few blocks from my
apartment to the cross street in front of the pet store. Coulda been
coincidence, coulda been….Anyway, the truth behind the smoking thing: I smoke when I write. I write when I Feel. And sometimes, i Feel a lot.
But the worse thing I realized is that it’s just another form of
self-annihilation. A slow suicide. Miguel said it’s “stepping out to
smoke another nail (in your coffin).” I laughYeah. I smoke to punish myself.
“What is it that you’re repenting? What is it you’re doing penance for?” asks the doc.
“Failure.”
“What do you mean? Failure at what?”
“This is not where I planned to be. I ….. I believe I’ve failed. And
every time I remember that I’ve failed, I smoke. And lately, I’ve been
smoking more.”
“Does it give you relief?”
“In a way it does. In a
way….. I feel like
I’m worthless, and smoking proves it.”
Comments (3)
You should get a heroin puppy. That’ll keep ya from smoking
we self-destruct either way…
I write at those moments too but here is my edit:
“I _drink_ when I feel. And sometimes I feel alot.”
I know exactly what you mean.