October 11, 2005

• 4 days…..

  
  

   

  
  

  There are moments when I’m at total peace. Calm. The zen of acceptance. Of strength. Of faith.

  
  

  These moments now last longer and longer. But I fear…. I fear that they come not from the belief that everything will be ok, but from an acceptance of inevitable death; the strength to move through the next minute just because; of faith that things will be ok not because they’ll be ok, but because it will finally be over.

  
  

  The waiting. The pause in time when I realize that everything keeps moving even though I wish it’d stop and I could be here forever.

  
  

   

  
  

  Wishes have a strange way of coming true for me. And sometimes I regret that once when I was 20 I wished never to grow old – to live a blazing but brief life – to die young and beautiful instead of wasting away like I’ve seen people do.                             I could become a vampire I guess…..

  
  

  I replay the moments in my head. Maybe I’m walking from the store to my car at night after work, and he’s waiting in the parking lot. Or maybe I’m getting out of my car when I get home, and he sneaks behind me, points his gun to my head, and fires.

  
  

  And I think of grief that would bring. But mostly, I think of relief.       

  
  

   

  
  

  I keep hoping.       I keep hoping that by some miracle I get spared. That I win the lottery. That a rich but infamous relative passes away and leaves me escape money. That maybe I just pack up my cats and animals and drive east towards Alabama. That’s in the east, right? Or maybe Louisiana. Or New York. No one can find you in New York.

  
  

   

  
  

  But I think it’s a little hard to win the lottery when you never buy a ticket.

  
  

   

  
  

  It’s too bad, though. What I mean to say is, it’s too bad that I’ve found people to love and friendships I’ve started to cherish. Otherwise, this could have been just another cessation of breathing, another blown out candle. Instead, it will be – relatively speaking – a momentous occasion … if it ever does happen. In the future, at least. Distant future, hopefully…..

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 2:22 pm
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