Anyway, I fell in love with my boss. We moved in together. I had a baby.

Hence, the non-smoking part.

Pregnancy hormones made me really dumb. Like, incredibly lowered my IQ by about 20 points. After giving birth, I keep waiting for my brain to re-solidify but …. I honestly fear it’ll never get back to its former state. But then again, reading old posts, I wonder if THAT is something I should grieve or celebrate.

It’s October now though. Infamously my most difficult month of the year.

It’s not the landing that kills me, it’s always been the Fall.

…..

I miss smoking.

There’s a commercial on tv. It’s clips of a little black kid who has asthma interspersed with the lower half of a woman’s face smoking. It’s supposed to get you to stop smoking, especially if you have a kid, cuz you can give your kid asthma I guess…..

All I can think of when I see that commercial is: God… a cigarette would be so orgasmic right now.

I think it has to do with watching the woman’s mouth.

Brings out the inner lesbian in me.

Anyway, to state the obvious, I stopped committing suicide slowly, lighting up fags, adding nails to my coffin smoking.

And the moments when I miss it the most are when I’m writing.

Also, after a really big meal.