January 10, 2008
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The Sharpest Crayon in the Box
Me: “I don’t prefer to use chopsticks because I’m not Asian!”
Tonks: “Yeah, but you have some Chinese in you.”
Me: “……. It’s been a while since I’ve had some Chinese in me……….”
It was a conversation at the dinner table that made me realize how shamefully superficial I can be about the people I associate with. For all the talk about how I don’t care what people look like or how much money they have, it seems that I can’t prevent my own heavy-handed judgement regarding something else that could possibly be beyond one’s control. At what point in time did I reserve special feelings and worth for only the Smartest and most Intelligent people? When did I value ruthless ambition and cunning? Why do I now equate a good salary with a person’s worthiness as a human being? Why is it ok for someone who is ignorant or poor to be beneath my notice or my mercy?The realization saddened me. And even though I make excuses such as “I’m sure he’s smart in other areas like…. he could be ‘street smart’ or….. he could know a lot about cars,” why do I even have to justify it with statements like that?
It has something to do with the people whose company I currently enjoy. My family and friends – they like to roll up their sleeves and get into messy discussions about politics, current events in science and technology, breakthrough research, Milton, Derrida, Foucault. Unbidden, a thought of what a current beau would have said into the lull of a conversation had me red-faced in embarrassment. Me! Embarrassed about what someone could say to reveal how ignorant he is of this world of college-graduates and pseudo-philosophers. What the fuck is wrong with that? While we were compartmentalizing and programming our brains with thinking and rethinking scientific methods, he was struggling with his own demons on a much more physical and spiritual journey. While we were writing out term papers on the parsed hardships of 19th century social inequalities, he’s had to face 21st century ravages of injustice on the lowest level. While we kept our hands clean in our ivory towers, he’s been in the thick of turmoil that keeps the world turning – learning and understanding the problems of the common man, speaking his language with the sincerity that I could never duplicate.
I was sitting on the porch this morning, finishing a cigarette, when the newspaper arrived. It wasn’t delivered by the stereotypical boy on his bike throwing them haphazardly into flowerbeds. It was a middle-aged Mexican woman who drove up in a red pickup truck. She got out of the driver’s seat and walked it up to me. I met her half-way down the steps. I’d been waiting for the newspaper to try and glean more information about the upcoming elections, but as she placed it in my hand, I thought about what the “issues” were and how they would affect her – this woman who I imagined had to take a second job as a newspaper delivery person in order to “make ends meet” in an area of the country that boasts one of the highest “cost of living” status. How does she cope with rent? utilities? educational costs for her children? healthcare? What does she think of the war? Who does she support? Does she even bother reading the newspaper she delivers? Does she even have the time to?
I guess it’s something I have to work at: be less judgemental about People. Because no matter how many times I hear it or say it myself, it’s not always about “The Choices We Make.” There are so many things that happen beyond our control that to force that expectation on others is cruel and hypocritical.
So this doesn’t exclude myself. I judge my own worth too many times and too harshly to be at peace for long. I need to remember: we do the best we can with what happens to us and what we have. Why find fault with myself and cause unnecessary unhappiness with wishing that the people I care about were somehow different or “better”? Why make it Wrong to write for free and call myself a Writer? Why be ashamed to help people one person at a time instead of trying to enact rapid and global changes? And what do I gain by de-valuing that quality of quiet contentment in others? Who am I to judge why they shouldn’t be happy with their current abode, their level of education, their choice of career? If I bring to them that which I love: Knowledge, why sully the gift with ridicule and contempt? And if they’re not the sharpest crayon in the box, then so what? Maybe it just means that somewhere, some time, they were someone’s favorite color.
Comments (4)
while judgement may be harsh, ive learned to appreciate its motivational qualities. if i were never criticized (by myself or others), i would not be who i am today. i suppose its arguable whether or not i am better off, but undeniably, i am happier with the person i see. excellent post.
In the vast diversity of Humanity, there’s always going to be only just a little subset that we truly “get.” We ARE the center of our own universes, since there is no way to let anyone else into our brains. So don’t feel bad that you can’t empathize with everyone in every situation. Do your best in YOUR world, and be aware that yours is not the only perspective on things, and you’ll likely leave the world a better place than when you entered it.
it’s evolutionarily wired into your brain to value the things that you do. though it’s politically incorrect to voice them out loud. it sounds ugly when women state the qualities in men they truly desire so blatantly. but it’s the truth. don’t be ashamed.
I absolutely enjoyed your last line of this post.. very, very inspring.