September 23, 2007

• It can only be called an epiphany when one realizes that popsicles have replaced blowjobs in one’s life. You see, writhing within the constraints of this unintentional celibacy, I’ve developed a strange obsession with popsicles. Soft fudgepops to be exact – the hard fruity ones I find to be most unsatisfactory in their rigidness. But the fudgepops… there’s the obvious taste of velvety chocolate of course, but there’s also that…. slight give as I lave the contours with the flat of my tongue, smoothing the corners and lapping up the creamy drops melting from my hot breath.

  Of course, I was completely oblivious to this unconscious fellatio until just a minute ago when I stood up, opened the freezer, and grabbed my fifth popsicle of the night.

  Now that the medication is decreasing in my bloodstream, I am aware of a tightening in my body, somewhere in front of the base of my spine. The most apt description I can give is the winding of a mechanical doll, I feel at once both lighter yet compacted beneath the weight of sexual tension; it’s almost predatory, this feeling like a lioness who has slept too long and awakens to the smell of blood fresh-spilled.

  I had made up my mind a moment ago to just say Fuck It to everything, put in for a few more weeks of vacation, and fly to Hawaii to meet and visit with you – until I read your most recent entries and realized that perhaps now is a bad time, perhaps I stayed quiet for too long, perhaps I realized things too late…

  But maybe – no, definitely – I am in a fragile state, clinging to gossamer desires whipped by the wind. And it would seem like we hardly even know each other but at the same time, know things about each other that not even our best friends know. I admit I’m scared of what I might saydofeel, scared of even my own motivations for doing whatever it is I impulsively do, scared that the things which I believe to be honestly Right and Good are just smooth fabrications of my own psyche trying to repair itself…. But then, would you refuse me the chance to heal at the cost of your own sentiments, although the risk that I am Right in feeling this way would give you a lifetime of passionate peace?

  And it’s not like I ask too much of anybody – I think I try not to put too much faith in people – but right now, at this point in my life, I feel so rejected by everyone I want to be with, that it would only take three words to capture flag of my heart:

  Come to me.

  • 11:06 pm
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