July 3, 2007

• Beau keeps working on this project. Studying graphics, taking the necessary photographs. He tries to be optimistic, brave.

  But me, I’m fading. Work is…. well, let’s just say I’m not going to get promoted anytime soon…. I try not to let my personal life and work life affect each other, but I think people can tell because they keep asking me what’s wrong- if I’m ok. I think it might be that my laugh is forced, my smile barely lifts my lips, I walk away in the middle of conversations…

  I’m cleaning out my room as if I’m moving, but it doesn’t even look like that. I gave Nanette most of my purses and three suitcases worth of clothes. She was grateful, and for some reason, that made me feel bad.

  Someone asks me:
  Would you rather be with someone who never becomes famous or well known or rich, but works a 9 to 5 job, drinks beer on the porch, works on the family car on the weekends; or someone who *is* famous and rich and showers you with jewelry and purses, shoes and clothes, surprises you with trips to Monte Carlo and Tahiti.

  I used to think I wanted one or the other. I used to believe I could have both.

  Now all I want is a dog.

  But yeah ……. will it become easier to remove myself from the equations…. if everyone can have everyone else without me, will I finally be whole?

  I found her phone number on his cell, by the way. I finally know her name. And it repeats in my head like deep bells ringing.

  • 11:27 pm
  • 2 Comments