October 11, 2006

• They say that if you take enough of these pills, you can induce a  hypnotic state.  Personally, I’ve never taken more than one a day, but things change.

  I’ve been sitting here, sniveling with my nose running, clutching cigarette after cigarette and tping with my eyes closed. And then moments when I sit and spin slowly in my chair, staring off into space, feeling my pulse. My lower lips is sore and bleeding from me biting down on it in attempts to keep quiet. If there’s one thing I can do well, it’s cry quietly.

  It’s easy to do really, if you keep your eyes closed.

  And inside my head, I just keep repeating the same phrase:

  Please ! please…….

  And I don’t presume to know your entire life or what you’re going through right now. I don’t presume to call myself your friend. After all, I’ve never heard you say it either. I don’t know what I am to you, or anything at all. What I do know is that I’ve made you laugh on occassion.

  I don’t know what’s happening now, or what’s going to happen. I don’t know what I’m    supposed   to   do.

  What I do know is that I found myself wishing, the other day, that I’d never met any of you, and that if I had, I wish I’d never believed in anything. God I’m such a loser.

  I’m so gullible. I wish you’d take an eraser and rub me out.

  People like me were never meant to live on this planet. We belong only in one’s imagination. All I want is to laugh out loud at movies, to watch cartoons with breakfast, to believe that good people raise good kids and no one ever lies with malice.

  I’m tired. Tired tired tired….

  If I could, I would kill all my animals just so I could leave. At least that way there would be no problems. Just throw all my stuff out, would you? Pretend like I never existed. I want to hurt myself, but I’ve turned into a pussy. Pain is good.

  Did you know that when you burn yourself, it doesn’t show until much, much later? The trick is to do it slowly, a little  at      a      time.

  Makes you clearheaded.

  Like resetting your watch after you accidentally drop it in the sink. One more cigarette, just one more. Then I’ll take those pills, ok?

  I wish there was a reason for me to take the trash out, but there isn’t really… makes me wonder why anyone else does it. If I put myself in a garbage bag and no one noticed, that would save a lot of money on the funeral.

  
  

  • 3:28 pm
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