June 9, 2006
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I wanted to talk to you today – talk with you, I mean. I didn’t get a chance to….. But you remind me of Julien.
Wanna know a secret? I stopped taking one of my medications. And I
haven’t been to see the doctor in months…… I am getting… no -
Becoming! – an angrier person. Sometimes, I am bitter; more bitter and
biting than the water that runs beneath the frozen pond, suffocating
and suffocated by my own brittle shell of protection. And waiting,
always waiting, for some kind Spring to come and thaw my stubborn grasp
from the riverbank.Sweep me out to the ocean, please,
I sigh and beg for release……. And if you put your ear to the ice,
you can hear my murmur, hear my anguish, and maybe even understand that
I have become very, very good at acting normal.But today, I laughed out loud at something, and the sound surprised me because it was so spontaneous, so……. REAL! But that realization just made it even clearer, in the silence that followed, how long it’s been since I laughed like that.
I don’t know if you’ll read this, if you ever read this, if I imagined
you visited once or twice and really I’m talking to myself, but I like
to think that…..
Comments (3)
imma start my xanga again, so i clicked a random link and it took me to ur page. interesting stuff… u seem deep. nice pic too
imma start my xanga again, so i clicked a random link and it took me to ur page. interesting stuff… u seem deep. nice pic too
Hmm, it took me a little while to catch onto the obvious, didn’t it? And while we’re at it, I think I understand now why my intuition may have taken you slightly aback–it was frighteningly accurate and it prickles my skin to read these words and know. What else would I find if I kept looking? How right would I be?
You said it best, so if these thoughts are an intrusion, I apologize. I didn’t ask to be in your head. Don’t wait to talk to–with–whoever. Too much roleplaying, too much pretend, too much fakery and false smiling, it’s bad for the psyche. If I’m right then you’re quite crazy enough already. Don’t forget to let it out once and awhile.
Happy Birthday Joan. I hope you don’t ever act normal with me.